"If" and "Doubt"

My mother always told me that the older you get the faster time goes. I'm discovering what she said is true. I'm also discovering that the older I get the easier it is to look back and wonder if my life has had worth. I think about all the 'ifs'. 'If' I would have done this or that would I be more productive today. With those thoughts come thinking of the future and wondering 'if' I will be everything I should be or 'If' God will continue to work in my life. I'm learning it is an extremely hard process to learn to live only in the present within a world that constantly points either to the past or to the future.

One thing we can know for sure is that God knows. God knows what our past has done to shape us into what we are today. God knows the sins committed, the heartaches experienced, and the doubts we have had. The Good News to us, if we are believers in His Son, Jesus Christ, is that He is our 'goel', our 'kinsman redeemer'. He is the one who buys back all the lost ground for us. He is the one who takes the imperfect and makes it perfect. He is the One who takes our unrighteousnesses and gives us His righteousness. He is one One who took our death upon Himself and gives us His everlasting Life. He is our life, how can we help but love Him!

Considering what He has and is doing with our past, can we not trust the same from Him concerning our future? Easy words said, words I believe with every part of my being. However, the last years have been difficult years for me. They have brought me to standing at a crossroads not knowing which way to go. I know that what I teach, I have fought for and firmly believe, but yet, there is nothing I fear more than the possibility that I might not be in, and teach, the truth. I have had testing of my beliefs. I have, at times, felt a little like Jeremiah must have felt when he wrote Jeremiah 20:7-13. Verse 9 is a reality in my life for there have been times I have wanted to quit because the influence I know a teacher has upon others. But, I cannot, the truth, too, burns within my heart.

My family and those I teach have not been entirely aware of the battle which has raged within me for these past years. Although, I'm sure they have noticed something different but were not able to "put their finger on it". I have not shared much of this with anyone because I knew it was a time for me to wait upon the Lord. Even with everything that has gone before and all the feelings of doubt and self-criticism, I have known that God is faithful and He will complete what He starts. I am more convinced than ever that the truth of Jesus Christ and His Word is what we must base our lives on. We cannot have a foundation based upon our feelings, or the philosophy of the worlds system and have that foundation stay firm in the times of crisis. My convictions are stronger than ever of the importance of renewing our minds with the truths of Scripture. I am eternally thankful that I have the belief of God's sovereignty and His Love for that has been the enduring element in my crisis.

Even though they were not aware entirely of the problems I was having, I gained strength through the knowledge that Christ dwelt in me and in them and He knew everything. Once again, we come to the beginning of my letter, God knows. God knows the heartaches and heals them. God knows what and why He is working within our hearts. God knows the beginning and the end and everything in between. He even knows how hard it is for us to trust Him at times but also knows the doubts are what bring convictions.

I do not know what lies ahead for me. All I know is what is behind. The Creeds I just posted I wrote 20 years ago. Recently I was on an online study group on the Book of Hebrews with a bunch of pastors who were teaching a works salvation. During this time I fought hard for what I believe is the truth of Scripture, that we are saved by God's grace through faith and receiving the gift of righteousness and not by our own righteousness. But the fight brought tinges of doubt which forced me back into the Scripture to see if I was right or wrong. It was at that time I brought out the creeds I wrote when a new Christian and to my surprise my beliefs now are the same only much stronger. One of my constant prayers is that if I am in error that God will reveal that to me and I know He will because God is faithful and always finishes what He starts.